Flu Panic Spreads as North Korea sets off nuke

THE TIMES OF NEW YORK

Unmasked residents, eyes pixelated in fear,

flee across the street after an uncovered sneeze
was reported in a local eyeglass shop.

TOKYO--Panic spread out of control in Japan today as it was announced that the unpredictable leader of North Korea had set off a nuke just days after Iran got in the headlines by testing a new missile. To add to the nuke fears, a shortage of masks in Tokyo and as far away as Nagano prefecture has caused many to flee in hysteria at the slightest hint of a cough or sneeze. Government officials have been in meetings since the detonation to determine if these combined panics are necessary or not. Reports that the WHO is considering revising its pandemic alert levels to eliminate Level 6 "Pandemic" and go straight to a Level 7 "Kiss your ass goodbye" are adding to the chaos.

Many Monday commuters were seen holding their breath to avoid being infected by either Swine flu virus or radioactive fallout from the North Korean blast. Due to the shortage of anti-Swine flu masks, only one person in Tokyo was spotted wearing the life-saving item.

Millions flee a station exit
gasping for air in a blind panic
after holding their breath for the
duration of their commute.


By noon Monday, the outspoken but harmless nationalist, Governor Shintaro Ishihara was seen mounting a tank in preparation to lead a preemptive strike against dangerous, criminally-inclined, rioting non-Japanese and little old ladies.

UPDATE: Tokyo--Prime Minister Aso announced that the elections scheduled for later this summer were to be postponed indefinitely. "We cannot afford to play politics as long as there are nuclear weapons and viruses on the planet," Mr. Aso reluctantly stated.

In a separate and entirely unrelated development, the Tokyo prosecutor's office announced an investigation into the DPJ's new leader Yukio Hatoyama over past claims that Hatoyama had contacts in terrorist organizations. Prosecutors vigorously denied any political motives when it was pointed out that it was the LDP's Kunio Hatoyama who had made those claims about himself while Justice Minister, not Yukio Hatoyama. A spokesman said that the charges were very serious and that Yukio Hatoyama had to be impartially, but thoroughly investigated to make sure that he was not Kunio Hatoyama.

Visiting Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman said that the Bush administration was responsible for all these problems.

Ima Loony, head of the NPO "Ethics in Eikaiwa Chain Schools" and Oi Bakero of "Reporters with No Standards" contributed to this article from under a blue tarp along the Tama River.